i have this bad habit.

there are moments in life i wish to take back, chapters in life i wish to erase, decisions in life i wish i made. sometimes i'd lie awake and wonder whether it'd be good to get into a coma and wake up with that exact portion of memory loss. to start over. but then again i'd be the only one.

would you play along?

there are people i wish were still close to me, and i think about them all the time, everyday, and i wonder if they ever think of me. i wish they do. there are people i wish were there when i was sad, because they used to be, but not anymore, and i hate them because of that.

but really, how could i?

there are people i want to make up too. but mostly, the guilt restrains me from doing anything else, to curb further damage. and just when i thought that's the best way, just when i thought that's the best thing to do, they jump right back up and tell me how horrible i am.

and i hate them. i hate them, i hate them, i hate them.

and ultimately, there is someone i dont know what to do with. i want to write letters, i want to apologize, i want to ask questions right into that person's face. i bought papers, envelopes, stamps; i've drafted letters, spent every moment awake in the dark preparing my speech.

and yet here i am, pointless nostalgia.

no, i didnt gain 20 pounds overnight.

okay, i should feel bad saying that - afterall, the girl in pale turqoise? she's my cousin - but i dont. i heard once that hate derives from jealousy. so seriously, how can you not hate rich people? not that i hate my cousin or anything.

for being rich.

now, i would be broadcasting my share of joy as an implication of such awfully pleasing wealth; however, i changed my mind after my grandmama found out about my last ex-boyfriend (yea i'm going lesbo after this, aint i hot).

it's like this.

her name is yeeyin. she calls herself corrine. she stays in brunei with 6 other cousins of mine. and she's frich. she goes to international brunei school with a bunch of white people (unlike me i go to school with sudan yemen saudi arabia iraq iran yippee!) and that's her up there in UK for a school trip called "summer camp".

i had a camp too! at haunted au yin hills! woooo~!

bet you dont know where that is anyway :/ it's in malacca. we had to find somewhere cheap but not botanical gardens again (yea, botanical garden sounds nice but it's actually hutan rekreasi. actually even that sounds better than reality. reality's more like, you know, mosquito park).

so anyway, back to the story.


she's rich and she's from brunei and she dates a muslim, some malay guy named amir daud or something (i cant remember exactly because there's this constitutional case mamat bin daud v government of malaysia and that's all the daud i need).


and that's fine really. until...


my mum told me grandmama asked if i was dating a malay. like omgwtfbbqohhaizizme! so i reckoned this is what happened. yeeyin's parents were nagging her about dating a malay, and she told them "joanne also ma!"


and i think her parents whined to grandmama.


meh! so that's sorta how i justified my evolution into the cold-hearted-boy-i-used-to-be. jess and i were browsing through her facebook yesterday, sneering at every comment made by her daud.


"i like this picture! not just because of the miniskirt ;)"
"i like this picture too, heh, am i starting to sound too much like a guy now? hehe"
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa horrors.


and it's not like i want to dislike rich people but.


see, yeeyin came to malaysia after UK, to visit grandmama before flying back to brunei. i was in malacca so my sister accompanied hey-big-spender! to do her favourite sport - shopping. and as a token of appreciation she bought everyone starbucks.


that's fine. until i heard this:


according to jess, she was on the phone with her daud half of the journey from my place to KLIA. and they were talking about things like "like omg! do you know that christina is like, with nathan now? like i know right! i couldnt believe it too!"


and then this:


"hey, are you like, going for that, you know, that cinema thing? well, i dont know if i can bring you. but if azeera is bringing matt, i guess i can bring you..."


okaaaaay. i guess i am better off in my own humble ways. for example, "eh, movie on or not tomorrow?" behold, THE REPLY:


"har... what movie? with who? 10,000BC? i heard lame wor. why dont download? see first la. no money all. eh bring your friends la, more gempak. okaylah okaylah... oi! remember bring student ID ok so can get student price."

eh the pictures are too small. you can enlarge but i know you wont. oh well, better than nothing - dont be so fussy. will miss you people from group empat-empat-jom-melompat :D especially sam, su leong and jason! till the next meeting ;)

sungai wang tomorrow! hello leehouzhi.

dont make me take your picture

to make up for all the ugly candid shots in au yin hills :p the camp was awesome! except for the fact that we had curry chicken for lunch, curry chicken for dinner, and currypuff for supper. more pictures soon. going home tomorrow :D finals in two weeks gasp!

love, love me.

I pulled through half of Form 4 listening to this. Fell in love with it, but never thought I'd feel like hearing it again. Here's a snippet, black font for what-hit-the-spot:

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart
And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart

And I can't let that happen again
Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been
This is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there
Thats exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to make sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me
Who I am hates who I've been
Cause who I've been only ever made me

-


And if you're feeling moody on a cloudy sunday morning, here's a nice song entitled "Lover, You Should Have Come Over". Slow tempo, steady drums, plus some electric piano i reckon.


Looking out the door I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water
Maybe I am too young
To keep good love from going wrong
But tonight... you're on my mind
So you'll never know

I'm broken down and hungry for your love
No way to feed it
Where are you tonight?
You know how much I need it
Too young to hold on
And too old to break free and run

Lonely is the room, the bed is made
The open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that won't ever come

Sometimes a man gets carried away
When he feels like he should be having his fun
And he's much too blind to see the damage he's done
'Cause sometimes a man must awake to find that, really,
He has no one...

So I'll wait for you... And I'll burn
Oh, will I ever see your sweet return
Oh, will I ever learn,
Oh, lover, you should've come over
Cause it's not too late!

Cause it's not too late

-

au yun hills this saturday and sunday with my housemates :D

i spent the last weekend reading this book. one of the most interesting books i've read. truly unputdownable, especially the first half of the book. ironically i found the court proceeding a little boring. the ending was unexpected. if i were to describe the book in one word, it would be:


heartbreaking.


i would ask you guys to read the book. it's a tad too long (592) but it was a good read overall. it made me wonder if my ex-classmate - janarthan - had access to guns back in form 3 would he have committed a massacre as such. would he have shot me?

stolen from my brother's blog :D

let me quote:

My sister came back home from Melaka today, I wanted to link you to her blog but it's privatized =( She's a kind and pretty girl @_@

:D kind and pretty girl :D :D :D

anyway, he came back with that Nineteen Minutes book. I was proud that my brother finally decided to spend money on something productive. My sister asked him why was it so yellow and tattered, he replied "I picked it up". My sister's pupils dilated.

WHAT? from the ground?
-Recycling bin.

I'm so proud of him. *Sobs.

I rode shotgun in Muharram's car.

We were on our way to the Student Press Room back from Mcdonalds. He was telling me how I could definitely find a better guy. "What if when you're working this really attractive and capable lawyer hits on you? What? You're gonna turn him down?"

I stared at the bunch of my hair i held outside the window and pretended not to hear.

"Little Demon?" He said. I swivelled and stared into the blank space between me and the dashboard. He looked over. "Hey... You OK?" I shrugged. You know that feeling when you know someone is right but you just don't want to know?

I asked him: "How's Lin Hui?"

He sniggered.

"Until now, she doesn't want to talk to me. The other day I bumped into her outside Main Hall. She was walking and I was like opposite her 5 steps away. I purposely called her name just to annoy her: 'Lin Hui! Lin Hui! Lin Hui! Lin Hui! Lin Hui!'"

I started to laugh. He continued.

"And then she turned around 'Can you stop calling my name??!!' And I'm like 'Yes! Mission accomplished! - She talked to me today'."

deviantart.

i was pratically joking when i did my calendar-montage one year ago for computer applications. the montage which dq thought was the most boring thing on earth he hesitated watching it.

JANUARY had a NEW YEAR RESOLUTION OF 2007.

1. cgpa 4.0
2. jpa scholarship
3. stay together with boyfriend :)

when i was typing 1 and 2 i thought "who was i kidding". i typed number 3 and smiled. want to see the irony of life? i achieved all except number 3. so why am i not the happiest person among my friends?

this is not fair.

today was pretty fawesome - which, in nowadays' context supposedly means i spent quite a sum of money. either ways, it was worth the joy :D except we were missing a little cutesy-perkyness in the atmosphere - our petite beauty miss kwan.

dont worry babe, we didnt forget you. in fact, your name sprung up numerous times; and my mum wanted to send you some papaya soup wtf haha we're gonna have double fun during your sem break kay ;)

oh, and today was the first time i ber-italiannies. :D

have to get back to malacca for a drama presentation monday. *reluctant* i'm gonna miss you guys! (except no-chin kiavin because he keeps dissing me! argh!) in conclusion, thank you god for everything, amen :)

goodnight people! gbu too :)

hello all. dont expect a laugh because i feel like mary's fcking lamb right now. sorry for feeling this way, i'll get over it by tomorrow i promise. let me introduce you to my best friend for the moment:

dulan snowman.

i havent been able to connect to mmu's wireless past few days so i guess i wont be updating as often but i'll post at least one entry every week. nothing interesting today. except this:

http://canteenauntie.blogspot.com/

set up by one of the stalls in my brother's school canteen. i like it. it has polls on the sidebar for students to vote on the food. oh well. dream a little dream of me and dulan snowman tonight.

goodnight loves.

to my closest friend of all times,

happy birthday! :) i miss you (a little bit).


(ok i lied).

where peanut butter is from by natalie dee :)

good morning darlings! :) today is a rather happy day for me, as were the past two days. i figured i might as well eat well and not think too much. life is good, god is great, and yes, jesus loves you too :)

let me know that you love me, let that be enough.

i've always heard that god have plans for each and everyone of us. if it's meant to be, it will be. i've seen god's works in my life and i thank the lord and i know it's my duty to repay him in a good manner.

only god knows what's best for us :)

atheists go around saying it's just impractical and that people put in on god because they cant find a better answer like how some people blame odd happenings on ghost because that's the simplest answer.

well, i believe we all need faith and god is mine and i have faith in my god.

okay. now, for merdeka:

A spark of nationalisme by joanne loke.

Facebook - Texas Holdem Poker.

Once upon a time, some dude came up with a brilliant idea of global-online-poker-community, of which i feel is a really good idea as it can relief JAKIM off muslim gambling cases and help Michael Chong the hero reduce his ah-longs-complaint-workload.

Little did I know it also advocates for nationalisme! :O

One fine day, I came back home from Malacca and saw Jess TexasHoldemPokering. We sat in front of the computer and poker-ed all night. Around 2am in the morning, a Malaysian Chinese guy came into the same room.

Teck Chong (hereinafter known as TC), 21 was from KL!

Jess and TC tried to be funny and discussed about their cards in Malay. After 10 minutes, some Australian player said "Hey! I understand Malay too! :D" so after that they tried to discuss about their cards in Chinese.

No one else in the room was chatting.

In other words Jess and TC dominated the conversation with a language no one else understood. On top of that, TC was quite a pro so he had many chips which he was giving to Jess.

I think in total he gave around 10,000.

Apparently he wanted to finish his chips and go to bed. Suddenly, some guy named Pritz or something from Orlando, Florida finished all his chips in a bet. He asked everyone for chips.

Pritz: Chips please.

No reply.

Pritz: I'll pay back once I win. Promise

See, Jess and I really wanted to give him some chips because afterall we were sort of rich after all the subsidy by TC, but we didnt because it was TC's chips. Finally, TC answered him.

TC: Are you Malaysian?

hahahhahahhaha... Does that suffice as black humor? Anyways, that wasn't all. Out of desperation, Pritz topped TC in the scale of funnyness.

Pritz: Hey Devlon [another player], I'm from Orlando too.

hahhahahhaha... Well, in case you were wondering, Devlon didnt answer Pritz and the latter left the room. TC on the other hand kept betting all he had (all in) until he lost all his chips and bid goodnight.

A few days later when i'm back in Malacca, Jess sms-ed me.

"AAAAAAAAA. I'm in a room with 5 Lebanese. They keep speaking in a language I dont understand! And I keep losing! Just now I have pocket Queens also lose!"

I see karma taking it's tow. Some players (from Mexico I think) go "Chipos please" which I like to repeat to annoy Jess. So I told her to ask nicely, they might understand. I could almost picture what would happen:

Jess: CHIPOS PLEASE.

Ahmed: Are you Lebanese?

happy birthday malaysia :)