unless i obtain a job, holidays are always unproductive - this semester break (thus far) is no exception. the kindergarten i used to work at after spm wouldnt mind having me back for a mere three weeks;

unfortunately this time around, public schools are having one week off too. thus, on top of being jobless, the malls are packed and kwanyi the kampung buddy left to kampar to pursue her degree in english.


on the bright side, i got to catch up with an old time friend:




jin young. male. 19. upper six student of ss17.



i think i havent talked to him for two years. the change in his disposition is almost too prominent. besides having an almost constant solemn expression, this young lad now speaks softer and slower than before.

i was starting to conclude that form 6 does things to people.

to compare him with random guy studying foundation, or random rich brat in taylors or inti, it's analogical to comparing a well-educated man to a per-historic caveman. maturity-wise.



he's single and available and has dimples too!

he was complaining about how i'm using him as a pelampung. i laughed and told him i'd try to get him a girlfriend. so for those of you who are interested to make a new friend, dont hesitate to contact me :)

he drives and plays basketball too!

of army pants, cereal and keretapi tanah melayu.

clad in her sister's loose romp army pants three sizes bigger, and a blue top given by her friend kwanyi which says friends dont let friends talk to ugly guys, she staggers down the wide stairs of kl central like a drunkard in midday ireland, suffering from the 37th consecutive hangover and in dire need of a good ol' siesta.

pulling her pants up every 2 minutes, she heads down to the train platform, walking like a baby penguin, with a laptop on her back, a luggage bag in one hand and a cereal box in another. a cereal box which says honey golden flakes, containing a quarter pack of cereal, a bottle of water, a nokia phone and a milk teddy purse.

she claims that the cereal box is a good disguise to deceive potential snatchthefts, although in actual fact everyone who knows her also knows that the retro-3310-brick-phone could kill any dog or paralyse any criminal any day.

the numerous steps were nicely built. she makes sure she does not tumble over - the previous fall in the bus is sufficient casualty for the day. ah, the fall. the fall on her pelvis in front of approximately 30 strangers. dark humor, embarassment, pain. she felt it all. and unlike the last time (she fell on the stairs of the bus and landed on her ass), the light from heaven did not shine this time around.

on the contray, the bus driver was being a bitch. a fucking bitch.

surreptitiously, she smoulders with anger, poisonly cursing the whole kkkl bus service corporation, from the unidentified old man at the bus ticket counter, to the bus driver. the fucking bus driver who was fucking late and fucking racist.

she finally reaches the bottom of the stairs. she releases her grip on the bag. it falls on the floor with a thud. pulling up her pants (it is quite a tedious two-parts process: first, she pulls the waistline, and then she pulls the edges to make sure no fabric is caught under her blue flip-flops), she simultaneously checks the digital signboard above.

it says departure to port klang 3:45pm. she shifts her sight to the timer. it's 3:44:45pm. great! she only has to wait for another 15 seconds (albeit some leeway should be granted taking in consideration the principle of malaysian timing).

she sighs a breath of relief. it has been more than 4 hours since she left her apartment. she stands alone at the platform but doesnt notice it. she looks at the opposite platform; and then the front; and then behind.

alas! the train is behind!

she grabs her bag and runs for the train. there are two malay men between her and the train. one of them asks her something about whether she is boarding that train. she hurries pass without answering. she is one and a half metres away, the train starts beeping, signalling its departure.

she runs, she reaches the door while it is just starting to close. she leaps onto the train, landing in the middle of the train on two feet firmly with a loud thud, the door closes behind her immediately. she grins with her yellowish teeth at the passengers as though expecting some sort of standing ovation for an action movie stunt.

a few laugh. she snickers and apologizes to no one in particular, yet significant enough for all to hear. a few passengers are standing and all the seats are filled except one. she sits. she sighs a breath of relief again.

a few passengers glance at her direction. she feels a little uneasy, consequently, subsequently and subconsciously, she secretly checks her army pant's zip behind her cereal box to make sure her fly is damn-hell-shut, to avoid embarassment like the last time in the rapid kl bus. the last time; the last time.

she doesnt let me blog about the last time.

she sighs again. she decided no more loose army pants while hustling on a 5 hours adventure journey back home. she looks at the route map - 8 stations to go. she takes out the brick and starts text messaging her sister: "woi, i'm in ktm already, reaching angkasapuri, sila bersiap sedia ok." her sister replies: "stupid. you better repay my kindness for picking you up. angkasapuri is the first station. dont lie."

she chuckles. she anticipates to hear "next station, subang jaya".

b for charity.

tuesday, may 20th, night.

dq frowned at my latest blog post.

-"do your part! blog about china's earthquake! not cd reviews!"

"i dont see how blogging helps. my housemates and i donated today. i guess that helps"

i asserted triumphantly.

frankly, i dont see how putting a rose in front of your msn nickname helps either. sorry for seeming pessimistic (or rather, realistic), but neither allah, nor buddha, nor jesus revealed any divine law pertaining to cartoon roses as objects of worship, or machineries to pray for relief, for that matter.

i'm not impressed.

on the contrary, i am somehow convinced that it's just another boring idea of random jobless internet individuals to flaunt how "caring" they are. like placing a turtle when steve irwin died (at least that's cute). it's just another way of showing the world you actually acknowledge the news.

come on, i bet approximately 90% of you didnt care about steve irwin and 10% doesnt even subscribe to national geography. forgive me for being so direct, it's my disposition. i'm blunt, cynical and occasionally sadistic. but at least i try not to be a hypocrit.

it's tough - i believe it's human nature.

and just when i thought i did the most i could (what did you expect from me? i'm an atheist a little christian, a little buddhist and a little muslim, so i'm not going around under any tzu-chi organization whatsoever with my hands clasped saying amitabha. plus it's exam period - excuses, excuses. what could i do? fly there and offer help? pfft.) justin proved me wrong the very next day.

yes. justin chua ee ghee (i hope no one he knows sees this).

remember justin? yes, justin not-so-teenage heartthrob whom i had the hots for some three months ago (i would say stalk - the truth is of little concern here - but the word itself is too extreme; like flowing mucus and oozing mucus - catch my drift?) but now resolve to refer to as "mutant" after a series of lemony-snickets, or rather, an episode of bad humor, much thanks to my infamous satanic mamak friend (hey friend, that makes a pretty cool title for campaining to ovethrow lucifer's throne when you go to hell) who convinced me the best way to strike up a conversation with a stranger is to ask about polygamy.

thanks for the "heads up" mamak boy but you're not much of a cosmo girl source.

wednesday, may 21st, day.

before i digress further (my apology for digressing so much - a sudden tsunami of inspiration flooded me - hey jess, people inspire me too, no wonder we share the same mother - it isnt a coincidence afterall), let me get to the point.

yesternoon, as i entered my university's law school building, heading for my exam, i heard a melodious voice singing flying without wings. initially i thought it was the guy i was tailing, of whom i presumed was alex, aaron's housemate, a music freak (in a complimentary tone). and then as i walked further, something at the border of my sight caught my attention.

it's him. justin.

justin sat alone in a corner, strumming on his guitar, singing, with a yellow, rectangular box labelled "donation" - or something alike - placed in front of him. that guy's literally busking for charity! it's one of those moment you dont know what to feel. ashamed or happy or surprised.

i was a tinge flabbergasted.

i walked up to him, looking for the right words to say, and uttered "what's this?", subsequently prolonging the conversation with a few obvious questions. you know, the kind of small talk - empty conversation, empty words. i simultaneously reached for my purse, only to find i had RM3, few coins, numerous cards, post-its, toothpicks imported from japan (or so they said) and a genki sushi tissue pack.

i froze. lemony-snicket sequel 101.

he scoffed laughed adding "never mind". call me ultrasensitive but it sounded incredulous. i walked away. you know how every time you have a conversation with a stranger you can tell whether the conversation went "whoah, smooth" or "yelch, okaaaay"? it felt like the latter. i swivel round few steps later, "how long are you gonna be here?"

"until around... 5?" he answered.

"okay, happy singing," i shrugged lightly. first polygamy and then happy singing? do i have the weirdest brain and the most screwed-up neurotransmitters or what?! exam was okay. after my exam, i headed to the library to study for my final paper. he was still there. the box was practically full. i could see notes from the small slit on the box.

"do you sing chinese songs?"

-"yea, but i'm not really good at it. you speak chinese?"

"yup, seldom though. hehh."

i decided RM3 is better than nothing. he said thanks. i forgotten what i replied. it's nice to know there's someone willing to busk for charity. busking has always been one of the things in my list of 30 things to do before i'm 30. but this is just, noble (to say the most). okay, i'm going off. my tidal wave of inspiration is ebbing away.

but hey, i'm not so uninspired afterall ;)

*ed's note: turns out justin wanted attention from girls only. he recorded it, uploaded it on youtube and bragged about it. why didnt it seem obvious in the first place? girls.

okay. dq told me my blog is getting boring and i should be blogging about china's earthquake instead of music reviews. i'm sorry i am neither as sympathetical nor as empathetical as i should be.

*shrugs. i think i lost myself in my emo days.

i dont think i was much better back then anyway. i might have had a better flair in writing but only because i actually bothered having a concrete topic as my article's backbone. besides, what do you expect from a girl who has been uninspired for half a year?

scratch that, i have been underinspired.

i'm actually planning to get back to that after i graduate foundation. insya allah i will - both graduate and start blogging like before. instead of dropping few words and giving lousy reviews of which 99% of you people wont bother.

i mean, havent you ever wonder why this blog's no longer joanness?

i think for some unidentified drama-queen reason i lost that joanness and that zest for life. it's like i've been infected, or rather, completely colonized by emoness. and i'm getting too used to it. this sucks. i'm trying hard to be interesting again.

come on. be supportive. bet you dont know how this feels.

ever wondered how i got around the megalomania idea of me saving the world? i was inspired by the song saving the world by orson - see, i cant help it, even when i try not to give a boring music review, i do indirectly.

the song's too cute.

the singer is a guy, whose girlfriend is a superhero, who is too busy saving the world. so he's singing her this song telling her how busy she is, and how annoyed he is by that. read it here. it's too cute. words from a guy to a busy girlfriend. brilliant ;)

sneak peek:

i guess i'm hanging out alone,
and i'm selfish to complain,
cause you've always got the best excuse.

there's no use in forcing you to stay,
you'd kick my weak butt anyway.
i'll watch you on the evening news.

i'm so over jumping off buildings,
you catching my fall.
so i'll brush up on my Super Villain,
and i might see you more.

i'm too busy saving the world to be interesting >( wait till june lah.

faber drive - seven second surgery

for a girl who isnt interested in anime or online gaming, i guess music is the biggest source of entertainment right now. exam ma. call me pathetic, but i'm enjoying this. faber drive has great music arrangement.

what's getting into my playlist at the moment:

i'll need a little more luck than a little bit
cuz everytime i get stuck the words won't fit
and every time that i try i get tongue tied
i'll need a little good luck to get me by
i'll need a little more help than a little bit
like a perfect one word no one's heard yet

track 2 - tongue tied

just wishing i could stay
(i know we only met a month ago)
with you

track 8 - summer fades to fall

yea, i love the lines in black. first song's awesome. trust me. ;)

secondhand serenade - a twist in my story

in order of my variable preference:

1 maybe

2 stay close, dont go

3 fall for you (partly because it reached top 30 in letssingit)

4 your call

5 like a knife

6 a twist in my story

7 pretend

8 why

9 goodbye

and from another album entitled awake, i like awake and it's not over. they have a nice acoustic version of maybe too. ironically, i'm currently facing an insufficient level of emoness to indulge addictively in these songs.

okay, i'm out to save my own ass.

"there ain't no reason things are this way,
it's how they've always been and they intend to stay.
i cant explain why we live this way, we do it everyday.
i don't know why i say the things i say, but i say them anyway."

-brett dennen

depressed.

most ridiculous thing i heard today:

-his room is fucking smelly!
ahahahaha what's the smell?
-i dont know! it's smells like, very smelly smell!

quoted from muharram.

i think i deleted the only picture i had of us.

so you join an event and you meet someone. and you see him everyday for three days, you see each other during rehersals, you laugh at the same jokes, and you both go through the hassle of making up and dressing up.

and after three days it's over.

you see him occasionally, albeit seldom. he's two feet away, you smile and wave. you squint your eyes and scratch the back of your head, trying to recall his name in that few split seconds before you greet him. he's one foot away, he's smiling and walking towards you, but you cant recall, you decide it's too cina, you dont.

you say hello. he says hi. smiles exchange, he brushes pass.

and if you or he is in a hurry, the memory of stumbling into each other fades into nothingness within the next two minutes. if both of you are not, you talk awhile and there's nothing left to say so you come up with a goodbye line.

then you walk away, reminisce a little and smile.

the other day i was browsing through the latest issue of sigma yearbook and i saw his picture in the grads' page. it was a surprise. he seemed so young. and it's (i still cant find the right word) monotonous-nostalgic-faraway to find out he's walking out of my life.

okay, i'm being damn dramatic wtf.

he's probably more of a passerby rather than someone actually in my life. the thing is, it feels monotonous-mostalgic-faraway (hereinafter known as the-feeling) to find out that this not-much-of-a relationship is going to end so abruptly even though you didnt and wouldnt attempt what-might-have-been.

he walked pass at the lobby today. he seemed happy in pink.

-hello!
hey hi!

he smiles and walks pass. i swivel round.

hey, are you graduating this year?
-yup! my last paper's tomorrow!
:D

my lift is here. he didnt stop walking.

oh wow, good luck!
-thanks, see ya! :)

i think that'll be the last time i see him.

in another two years if someone mentions him i'll take out sigma and said yea, i think i knew this guy; in ten years time i possibly wont be able to recall his existence at all. people always leave. but it can be in three ways: people always leave :) people always leave : or people always leave :(

this straddles somewhere between the first two.

so awhile ago i was on the verge of blogging something random and probably quite amusingly boring just to squander my few minutes before bed and then i read this:

baking through suicide. recommended by my friend kwanyi.

i have to say it's a pretty good read. random thought: you know how sometimes you used to be so close with someone? but time and distance just change everything? and when it happens now - when we're all growing up?

we were supposed to grow up together.

it was in our life plans. you know, like that group of Friends buddy. i think that's like friendship-utopia. i dont believe much in friendship-forever anyway. and it's odd, i know, because i'd hold on to a friend so long even if i dont show it.

even if i dont see them for two years.

you know, sometimes you get all nostalgic and you reminisce. yea, it's hard. very sometimes it feels like yesterday, sometimes it feels like someone else's memory by lucas scott, onetreehill. which reminds me, we always give lucas the credit.

but it's the scriptwriter people, the scriptwriter!

and i'm bad at putting thoughts in chronological order because my thoughts are always jumbled up, but it feels somewhat, i dont know, nostalgic-faraway-hard-to-explain to see your friends move on. it's not hard to accept because you know it happens.

they'd have new friends, new good friends, new best friends.

but somehow you'd feel faraway, like you're watching life as a passerby, the kind of monotonous feeling you get when you stand outside a nice cafeteria on a winter day looking in through a big glass.

and you know, it's winter so you can do the hole-in-moist thing wtf.

very i wish you love by rachael yamagata. oh well. memories are better left alone to be sweet the way they are. it'd be weird if joel comes up to me one day crying saying we're falling apart! i hate the fact that he's not here when i need him so much sometimes.

ok lah. i need to sleep to rejuvenate my superpowers. bye.

intensive world-saving next few days >(



danial said something cute during dinner today. amirul was praising my noteworthy superhero ability, admiring how i'm graciously saving the world by blogging. and danial said this:




"saving the world one post at a time."




how cute is that! think i'm going to put that line to good use sometime soon. of course i didnt forget how amirul made me laugh too. i practically choked on my drink. we were being depressed over finals.

joanne: it's okay. if you feel demotivated, think about zakwan (who scored 4.0)!

amirul: i think about him everyday man!

oh well. *shrugs. back to saving the world >)

this post is dedicated to one of my avid readers: mrs loke, mother of three. do not underestimate this honorable housewife:

1. she drives better than many men
2. curry chicken, spaghetti, muffin, cake, cookies, etc *drools.
3. she does line dancing (she dances to buttons by pussycat dolls - even i cant do that!)
4. she does tai chi (dont play play, she passed the wooden stick and sword levels)
5. she does yoga.
6. she does prayers recitation with a bunch of women.
7. she plays gin rummy and mahjong!
8. etc.

this is for you mum :)

this is my ah-mi.


this is my ah-mi and my ba ba.

happy mother's day from:



me, your second child. your obedient and smart daughter.



jessica, your first child. your crazy and evil daughter.



benjamin, your third child, your sissy boy.

i dont know why your other two children look like kongsi gelap tai-ka-che and tai-kor in the picture. i know mum, if only they were normal like me. you must be wondering why my picture is so extremely vertical right!


this one lor.

because i took the picture of myself in a mirror in a fitting room. so i edit the picture in paint (see how techno-savvy i am - i use paint) to cut off the part with my handphone.

i think i cut off 70%.

that's why the picture become so like that. i'm damn lame right :( why didnt i ask jess to take the picture? good question. i tried you know mum. long, long time ago. this is how it went:

joanne: jess! jess! take my picture! take my picture!
jessica: wtf. okay. 1... 2...
joanne: (grinning constipatedly) why so long wan? faster!
jessica: wait lah! move right a bit.
joanne: (moves right) uh-huh
jessica: right some more!
joanne: (moves right) already lah!
jessica: okay, okay, 1, 2, 3! nah.


THIS IS WHAT I GOT, MUM. THIS!

JESS YOU ARE THE WORST PHOTOGRAPHER IN ALL MANKIND OK! anyway, i tried to take more decent pictures of us but to no avail. along with that pointless picture taken by jess in her room, we snapped a few others:

jess is bald. jess is bald. jess is bald. jess is bald.

yea, i get it. we're just not very photogenic offsprings you see. but that's okay, we'll snap more pictures when ben and i get back home. i'll try to be my merciful self and not retaliate when ben provokes me. i understand that it's in his nature. i'm obedient >)



ben. hehe.

before i end this post, here are a few facts about your children. remember how all your rotans went missing within 2 weeks? yea, we hid them all. that's why when you asked jess to find it so that you can spank ben she always finds it :D

and we know all the secret places you keep the junk food ahahahahahahahahahha...


we love you mum :) thanks for everything.

happy mother's day from oscar too :D

see you soon mum! back to saving the world >)

bearly working. natalie dee.com

akidos: what're you doing?

joanne: studying about mazhabs. you're a shafi'ee right?

akidos: i'm a hanafi'e.

joanne: no! malaysians we're all shafi'e lah.

akidos: ... what we? you're a fucking chinese!

dear zufar al-hudayn abu yoosuf muhammad al-hasan al-qasim ibn wahab al-muzanee al-rabee yoosuf saalih abdullah imam bukharee imam muslim etc, please bless me in exam.

*re-recites names

mini lynz guitar by deadmizi

random thought while taking my shower. tee, why did you deny my access to your page? :( yea, tee and i are officially history. but that's okay, if what she said is true, i'm technically still in love with her.

like is when you make her happy,
love is when she makes you happy.
-tee

which got me thinking. if tee was right, it is impossible for two person to love each other at the same time unless they love and like each other simultaneously. a bit confusing right?

assuming tee is right:

if you love someone, she makes you happy. therefore she must like you. if she only likes you, the love is a one-way thing. but if she loves you too, it means you make her happy, therefore you like her. then it'll be a two-way thing.

not just any two-way thing, a double two way thing.

so if tee was right, you cant say you love a person unless that person feels like you make him or her happy. thus there is no love at first sight unless the feeling of the person in sight reciprocates.

therefore when there is love, there is like. vice versa.

i'm starting to think tee's quote is a fallacy of insufficient evidence - inconsistency. damn i had to refer to the notes. i mixed up fallacy of irrelevance and fallacy of insufficient evidence again.

anyone knows the difference?

anyway, it's inconsistent because you can like a person (and subsequently make him happy assuming tee is right) but the person might not love you (because if you make him happy he should love you if tee is right).

point is, like and love is different.

dont say you love a person when all you do is like. i used to hold on to the concept that if you like a person you'd shy away and cant look him in the eye. on the contrary if you love that person you can look into his eyes and smile.

[listening to: a day late by anberlin -yes the acoustic one]